Inner  Frontier
Fourth Way Spiritual Practice

 

Distance and Intimacy

Our inner distance from people continually degrades the quality of our relationships. If I am distracted or preoccupied when I speak with someone, then only a low level exchange is possible. Dwelling on thoughts of what happened earlier, anxieties about what may happen later, or inwardly preparing my response to what they are saying — all this takes me away from the sacred simplicity of listening, speaking, and relating.

If I am distant from myself, not in contact with my body, not really in my body, not in touch with my thoughts and emotions, then I will also be distant from others. But if I am too self-involved, too concerned with my own world, with the events in my life, with what I think and feel, with my physical and mental health, with my interests and opinions, problems and passions, with maintaining my position, and so on, then no room remains for anyone else. If I habitually attempt to present a certain image of myself to the world, then this mask forms an impenetrable barrier between me and others. If I feel above or below others, different or indifferent, then I live inwardly apart. If I impose demands and expectations on others, I drive a wedge between us. If I am afraid of vulnerability, I run to escape closeness. In all these circumstances, I remain distant, hidden within the walls of my own personal and fractured space.

We crave and also fear intimacy with others. We crave it because intimacy is a basic human need, like food and shelter. Because of the sacred core within us all, closeness to others means closeness to the great Self we all share, closeness to the Divine. That is why we experience the feeling of being at home when in intimate relationship, because in that shared space we enter our true spiritual home.

Yet we also fear dropping those walls that both define us and separate us. Without our boundaries, who are we? Do we disappear? The truth is we become more fully ourselves. At first we risk vulnerability in opening our heart to others. But as we grow more whole, the neediness that underpins vulnerability begins to heal. We learn to trust our wholeness. From that we can more readily extend ourselves to merge with others into a greater wholeness.

Intimacy need not be limited to the emotional and physical intimacy of lovers. Emotional intimacy characterizes real friendship. We care about our friends. We set aside our mask and lower our barriers in their presence. Even with acquaintances and total strangers, we can offer a degree of intimacy by meeting them openly. The fleeting, unlikely-to-be-repeated encounter can be an exchange of kind-heartedness.

Despite the record of saintly monks and realized hermits, genuine and effective spiritual work need not be a solitary endeavor. Our relationships with other people reflect, influence, and form an important component of our spiritual life. We share our inner work in spiritual community and find invaluable help there.

But the spirituality of relationship goes well beyond formal prayer or meditation with others. As the great Zen Master Dogen put it, “to be enlightened is to be intimate with all things.” To be able to meet another human being directly and on equal terms, without our mask, without hiding behind our image, without being so totally enmeshed in our personal world, without being lost in habitual patterns of interaction, without barriers, without demands and expectations, with a presence and an openness of heart that embraces us both, is to be able to meet the simple truth of this unique moment. And that simple truth leads step-by-step toward love and the Divine.

We can work to close the gap between ourselves and others. First and foremost we look to see whether and how distant we are from the people around us. Seeing the distance, we look for its source in us, for the flavor of the barrier. That awareness, repeatedly applied, gradually dissolves our inner barriers and brings us toward the intimacy that makes us whole.


     

About Inner Frontier                                    Send us email 

Copyright © 2001-2024 Joseph Naft. All rights reserved.